The Colours lined up with two Saints in white leading the attack: Nizar, a giant of a man built like a tank, and Arman, a teenage pocket rocket. It was a classic case of Little and Large, and the pair caused immediate havoc for goalkeeper Alessandro, who spent the opening spell looking like a world-class goalkeeper accidentally dropped into a circus pulling off heroics and powerless to stop the chaos.
Nizar dominated in the air and on the ground, bossing defenders with the kind of physical presence that would have Erling Haaland checking over his shoulder and asking his agent to arrange some emergency Nizar specific training. Arman, meanwhile, buzzed around him with the fearlessness of a teenage Wayne Rooney. It was a formidable combination: one built like a wardrobe, the other powered by what appeared to be three energy drinks and a packet of Shades.
In the middle of the pitch, it was a tale of two contrasting styles. For Orange, Andrea pulled the strings with the calm precision of a young Andrea Pirlo. Up against him, Kofi from Ghana powered through the midfield like Michael Essien after downing numerous double espressos. Both men worked tirelessly, varying the play, finding teammates, creating opportunities without demanding the limelight. It was proper team football, the sort Manchester United fans remember from the 1990s.
For The Colours, Murteza delivered a performance reminiscent of the one and only TonyS: all buzzing energy, relentless movement and sheer nuisance value. He was a human bumblebee, darting around Hannes and causing enough irritation to leave him with a pain in the stomach. Hannes, meanwhile, appeared to have appointed himself the match’s chief linesman. Throughout the game he complained that Murteza kept playing offside, waving his arms like a man trying to flag down a bus that had already left, pointing at imaginary lines and generally auditioning for the role of traffic policeman.
There was just one tiny problem with Hannes’s passionate officiating… we don’t play with offside rules. Never have, never will. His protests were about as useful as a chocolate teapot. VAR was unavailable, the referee was unmoved, and Hannes was left fighting a one-man battle against a rulebook that didn’t exist.
And then there’s Johannes.
With the vision of Martin Ødegaard, Johannes is the beating heart of the team, spotting passes others didn’t even know existed. Opponents, particularly Alessandro today, seem to suffer a convenient bout of amnesia whenever Johannes lines up that lethal left foot. The cannon fires, and a goalie can only try to work out where the left-footed rocket is going. No AI system could or will be able predict it. The ball finds the back of the net anyway.
Elsewhere, “Big Kick” Al continued his long-range passing campaign, launching ambitious deliveries in the hope of catching TonyL off guard. Sadly, the goals refused to materialise. Things got worse when Al’s knee gave way during one of his own moves, forcing him off for medical attention. We wish Al a speedy recovery.
At the other end, Hossam from Orange’s defence ventured forward in search of glory, only for the counter-attack to arrive at lightning speed. A clearance from The Colours’ goalkeeper found the giant Saint Nizar, who surged towards goal. Facing Alessandro, however, Nizar couldn’t quite finish the move.
On another occasion, the two Saints found themselves bearing down on the Orange goal. Nizar unleashed his shot, but the rebound fell invitingly to little Arman, who somehow managed to send the ball into orbit despite having an open goal in front of him. NASA has reportedly been in touch. The search for the ball continues.
Away from the goals and near misses, the game was a fine example of Football Dads camaraderie. We welcomed two new French players, father Greg and his young son Jagger, who arrived proudly displaying their PSG allegiance. Young Jagger certainly lived up to his name, dancing around the pitch like his rock-star namesake Mick, while giving defenders a few moves they hadn’t bargained for. On the ball he looked like a pocket-sized Zinedine Zidane, jinking and jiving past opponents and leaving the crowd entertained. There was a moment of genuine quality, too, when Andrea spotted the youngster in space and delivered a perfectly weighted assist. Jagger took the shot and struck the top of the net, leaving TonyL and his defence looking on in disbelief. A glimpse of the future, perhaps, though TonyL’s defence may need a meeting about its current recruitment strategy.
With the score locked at 6–6, the match went into Golden Goal, meaning the next goal would decide everything. In a surprising tactical switch, The Colours’ goalkeeper made way, with Arman stepping into the role of the white-clad Saint and apparent saviour. TonyL pushed forward to join Saint Nizar in search of the winner, leaving The Colours exposed at the back.
Orange seized their opportunity. Amid the pressure, confusion and defensive chaos, they found the decisive goal, sparking celebrations and leaving The Colours wondering how a match they had fought so hard to win had slipped away at the final hurdle.
Man of the Match
There were several worthy candidates. Andrea controlled the Orange midfield with intelligence, Kofi ran himself into the ground for the Colours, Murteza ran Hannes into a state of existential despair, and Johannes once again demonstrated why he might soon need a business card reading Director of Football, FD Board.
But there could only be one winner.
Nizar takes Man of the Match with four goals. A dominant display from a man who combined the physical presence of a heavyweight boxer with the finishing instincts of a seasoned striker. He terrorised defenders, won his battles, and proved that sometimes, when it comes to football, size really does matter.
Same time next week, gentlemen. Bring your boots, your banter and, in Al’s case, a medically approved knee.
ORANGE-COLOURS 7-6
GOALS
ORANGE: Morteza (3), Jack, Jonathan, Jagger + one more goal scorer, was it Ram?!
COLOURS: Nizar (4), Johannes (2)
TEAMS
ORANGE: Alessandro, Hossam, Andrea, Julien, Al, Ram, Jack, Morteza
COLOURS: Tony, Hannes, Chetan, Greg, Kofi, Smayan, Arman, Nizar